Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Cool PHP Optimistaion tip

Found an excellent Optimisation tips and methodologies page for PHP. A must for all serious PHP programmers!

why do i foget what's in my mind?

My thoughts ain't clear at all nowadays. When i sit to write something, the sentence formation gets skewed as i proceed. I forget the feel of my thought when i put it on paper and it comes out utterly erroneous.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Kindness of the Surreal

When I find deep angst and a heavy heart, I get a lot of relief when I see something abstract or surreal such as the surreal paintings by Salvador Dali or some serious articles about sadness and depression. I get to know that I am understood. I am no super-human who can manage all his woes on his own. I sometimes find external re-assurance very comforting, though its a luxury.

I know not what it is about sadness, but I feel a lot of satisfaction in the solitude of these dark fields of misery. I feel in the deepest well of sadness and the skies above comforting me.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Where's happiness

Happiness is most obtained by two kinds of people: Those who have everything and Those who have nothing. Those who have something and are caught between the two worlds and stretching themselves to reach upwards do not enjoy at all. They are the ones laden by desires and the troubles caused by that.

So if you want happiness which among the two kinds of people would you choose to be? Having everything is not the best option. Because you can never cease to have everything. Some thing or the other is always being *invented* by the comfort industry and we keep yearning for that. Its difficult to remain at this high. The second option is the tougher and more spiritual path. Even for the haters of spirituality, this is indeed a practically proven point. Freeing yourself from desires seems really relieving and you can discover your freedom once again.

To follow the un-burdening path, heres an easy method. Make yourself un-yearn for or make yourself indifferent towards something that you previously used to crave for. That way, soon you will find yourself a braver and whole new person able to take on an situation in the world! What more, you will realize freedom and the contentment it brings. A lot of power can be realized when we know we don't need many things around us. We can easily feel this power in our minds. Just follow the steps above and slowly you'll realize how much more you are in control of yourself!

Now pardon me if I sound like a preacher :)

Thursday, April 21, 2005

A holiday for the days spent at office

Took off for 5 days to my hometown in Kerala. 2 of my college mates joined me at my home an we had a wonderful time at this water theme park at Cochin. Awesome fun. But apart from that, felt a bit lonely with my parents who never really got happy again after their bust at their job in Muscat. Sad story that. Politics ate out of the nuts of the poor people, so to say!

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Ain't that intelligent

The problem is -
i am not that intelligent :-(
however hard i try, i know i dont have that knack
that the intelligentsia have.
my brain formation is such.
I am more inclined to anthopology, history, philosophy and anything related to mysteries.
Thats how i am made.
i dont feel ashamed, rather i feel proud of my qualities.
But the scary thing is i have graduated in engineering and doing an engineering job!
My future seems either to be in engineering or in management.
I have low aptitude for engineering and dislike math to do management.
(I could still opt for HR though, which i am still contemplating)
My first love would be to work on the mysteries of life,
or entertaining people or related to any of my skills mentioned above.
If any of you can find a suitable break for me like that,
Please give me a call!

Sounds more like an easy-go resume rite?! Well, yeah so be it, i anyway loathe all the major formalities in life :-)

The tide shifts quickly in me

i don't last long at anything -
my interests get weaned and i need to move on.
I have the spirit of a gypsy though I wasn't born one.
I keep moving to the next step when i need to debug
the next clue in the mystery of my life.

I hate dishonesty, and sqaushing of values by man to achieve his desires and pleasures. I get deranged morally very much by that. I wish I could move on whenever I see I am involved with such persons on organizations. Wish I could create a forte for myself. Wish I could find mentors for myself.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Spirit and Yoga

I think i am a difficult person - one with a big ego.
I am trying to temper it down, trying to control it though.
its when someone goes away from me that i realize how stupid i have been.

Guess thats how everybody would feel but...
i have no respect for life and God.
but now i am slowly learning the ways -
I am loosing all that i loved.
They weren't obtained by my effort - luck shone, so why complain!
maybe thats what confused me thinking more would come.
but how foolish i had been, not realizing how to handle what i got!

I must teach myself not to desire everything my heart wants.
its a sin, or at least its harmful in the long run.
its all the more worse not knowing whats happening, when something fortunate happens.
For you forget the responsibilities that come with power, and haste takes its place.
often astounding you and taking away what you got, before even knowing it.
the reasons would delude you and often be stupid.

I have learned a lesson or two now.
one thing stands clear - better stay away from the dazzling lights of desires.
better stay away thinking it ain't yours.
do only what your duty needs you to do.
you aint going to take anything away from this life..
so why desire for things that aint gonna last
and are for mere temporal pleasure and more so for sadness when we loose it?

You aint even gonna take your memories when you die, however good they may be.
So throw it away and think of life and what it means!
Think how it has made you evolve and forget the sorrows.
keep the happy things just for some pleasantness when u find it hard not to think back.
we should also be prepared to loose our happy memories.
For memories are stored in our brain.
and this brain is something we posses only during our lifetime.

We the Spirit have no thought. We also have no heart!
The Spirit is just energy.
Thats what we are.
This life is just momentary confluence of the spirit with the body.
We sure would return to our normal state.
In this eternal Spirit's many forms, life is one.

In such a minute form, our thoughts are yet more minute,
so our the consequences of having the mind -
desires, happiness and sadness (in short, emotions).
These sure aren't a part of our true nature - the Spirit.

So why then does the Spirit take such a form
and what does it try to achieve at the end of this?
Why does the Spirit take any form at all for that matter.
Makes me wonder whether it is the result of some ad-hoc genesis that started so long ago?
Nobody knows the answer.

Nobody even can prove that we are even Spirit, can we?
But there's enough indirect justification that makes me feel the existence of a Spirit.
There are many unexplained answers in life and beyond.
So just that itself makes us not to put down the ideas of an Eternal Spirit and it taking many forms throughout.

[by unexplained answers, I could give the example of how life is put into the very smallest human cell in the mother's womb? What brings it to life? At what point can we say we are born? Is there a Spirit involved? Maybe we can discuss this as another topic.]

I recently read a very interesting line on the net: "Once the desires start ruling us, we lose our freedom. If the desires are not fulfilled, then we lose our mental and physical well being." How true!

Another site has the lines: "Dhruti: It means courage. It is essential for performing or achieving anything. If there is no courage, great things cannot be achieved. In human life, there are several incidences where one gets attacked by many emotions. We have to fight such feelings. Many lose courage while doing so and fall prey to these feelings. They repent afterwards. So while leading the life, whenever such incidents occur, one should have the courage to face the emotions and gain victory over them. By turning away from such emotions does not solve any problems, but increases them."

Desire - the sin in me

This is a completely unedited version of some thoughts randomly put on paper and published here, much to retain the flow.

One day we will all grow old,
any day we may loose all that we have
all that would be left to ourselves is our own self.
So don't let loose your emotions and do whatever pleases you now,
for tomorrow when all that is gone, you may feel the loss
Best - don't desire too many.
Its not your right - what you wish may not be what you get
and thats what happens mostly and it brings along with it a lot of grief
Emotions definitively have grief and sadness involved,
which overshadows the happiness or pleasure you may once experience
desire is a killer that never stops
it spreads in many forms like a virus, in your mind
following it will be a never ending process
all that you will see no sooner would be that it was a futile journey.
Be happy with yourself and what you are
never put a thought on obtaining what is alien to your body
if it comes to you, make use of it
otherwise, let it go - it wasn't meant for you
you can't blame God for that, because desire arises in our mind
God hasn't promised anyone anything.
So why question him when he takes something away?
all he has given to us is this body, mind and soul
we need to be happy with what we have got.
if someone is paralytic, he needs to be happy the way he is, cos thats what he has got.
we won't loose anything if we haven't got anything.
we need to enjoy only all that we are,
at this current frame of time - unattached to anything extra surrounding us,
not oblivious of the fact that we may loose everything with us now except ourselves,
and also that we may not desire for anything else however subtle they may seem.
In essence, be a karmayogi - do labor and have no desire for its fruits.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Learning to groove.

So hi folks,

A brand new day, a brand new time back at office. Just slumped into my
office and after my daily dose of mails, I was waiting to getting
started with my blog. But colleagues started slowly trickling in. Can't
let them know I'm wasting office bandwidth with personal stuff -
ssh..quiet ;)

Well, let me let it out - I really don't know how I should start
blogging! How should I set the tone..So while I figure that out, here's a poem that I have written.

A Tender Leaf Should Know

Tender leaves are stroking me soft
at my rugged skin in place
getting torn - I see them fall
how many more to go by my face!

I walk a distance and I see a lone leaf
soft and tender awaiting to caress me more
but I should stop for a while and think of my face
it shouldn't be smoothened by taking a toll..
of a soft and tender leaf anymore.
I'd rather step aside and say goodbye
to the lone leaf that I passed by..

I have learnt to carry my scars by now, it should know
Why soften it again when it ain't a burden, no more
One tender leaf that I passed by should know
many more like me would follow!

One tender leaf I have hurt by now
By not accepting its open arms..

Tender leaf, oh you do not know
how delicate it is - the vine that you cling on
It is difficult for me to brush you by,
by not making you flutter - and you may slip by..
clinging onto me i may take u along
but not long until you realize
the vine that supported you is now no more!
you would try and resist me now -
the face you once felt you could touch!
Then you'd want and leave me by..
as yet another scar on my face!!

Tender leaves, I plead you now
to know well, the vine you are on
Decide how strong you need to be
to wash off the scars of the soldier who passes you by
for he knows the warfront well..
to realize how tender a leaf can get!
Your touch would knead a miracle or two
to the feeble one who can't uproot you!

Else you must let more vitality flow
to know the world as the soldier knows
for when he takes a decision, he well knows
the dire consequences it could take
But for his motherland he still stands up
cos if he wins, a whole land wins..
'tis for this danger that he gambles
and a tender leaf would still not know!

A tender leaf I passed by should know...

My inspiration for this poem:

"To the heavily scarred soldier, a tender leaf is too beautiful,
out in the woods. Its a heavy contrast. But opposites attract!
The tender leaf feels over sympathetic seeing the dedicated,
war-lorn soldier, and makes up her childish mind that she would
outright strive to touch him - deep to his heart. But the leaf
doesn't realize that to the soldier, it is not needed. Also, the
leaf ain't meant for that. It will loose its roots on which it
is held upon. But if either of them succumbs to the emotion, the
consequences are as said in the poem..

So the advice here would be to understand what is love and the
play of emotions that lead a person into believing he/she is in
love. Many people succumb to the emotion. But few realize the
impact of the circumstance they got in. Love is not a game. Its
thrilling to want to be in love. But once in, getting out would
be too painful. And most end-up that way, because they leave
their minds to their thoughts, unmindful of their footing on
which they stand. The rest need not be explained."

This poem is listed at

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Welcome to a spice of my life - My First Blog!

Hello !

I really appreciate you being here and taking time out to read around. No introduction about me now. Am located in India and am a software developer.

Holy cow, this is interesting, you know..blogging has always fascinated me, but I never got to blog in my life. I have really good writing skills and I promise you, your stay here will be great and superb in the times to come. Let me just start sharing my experiences with you and from your comments we'll see how to make this a better place!

Ahoy, bye for now. Cos, when I finally got to start blogging, I got pulled at office....will start with my thought renditions for your perusal and thought initiation soon...